Hi everyone
Sorry, if it may sound disappointing and/or not pleasant to read, but I must share it, throw it out of myself, because it's seriously bothering me. I suppose you here are only ones I can honestly share my feelings with, I have no one else who remained.
Well, I must honestly admit I failed with my college... actually not in a meaning, as you probably assume, in terms of tests and grades, no. Most probably I will pass them all without bigger problems, it's not a major issue. The thing is that I do not feel I have anyone I would be able to call a friend. I made seemingly big number of friends since the beginning of it, but I'm not really sure, if I can call anyone in this way. Some may say they like me, but they will not even wait for me in certain situation, not offer me to go somewhere... I guess I'm more like a person to have some talk with not to feel bored, but not one with a bigger concern about. Additionally I saw my crush (I should more accurately say my ex-crush, as I do my best to forget about her) hugging with my classmate today. Yes, even when they both have partners respectfully. Terribly pleasant view. Seriously, I wouldn't wish anyone to see something like that.
Sometimes I wonder what other guys have that I do not, it doesn't seem anythning very special. Yet they seem to be more attractive. Yes, that surely sounds very impolite, but I would like any girl to think about me for at least a second...
Last year my late classmate, whom I considered as my best friend through all years of high school, stopped to keep any contact with me, because he met a girlfriend. Lucky him, good luck to them... 3 year friendship is not something that would seem to be so easy just to be thrown away, yet it really was.
Well, I actually always try to be kind and polite, also helpful in certain situations, but unfortunately I really can't see it's really appreciated.
I always keep repeating to myself to stay strong and I really am trying it, but at the same time I often question, if things I'm doing really make sense. I try telling to myself that social influence, the common style of living is really not something, which makes me obliged to follow it and determines whether I am happy or not considering I really can be happy ignoring it. However, it does not seem to be so easy in reality, when you have a connection to it every day. You see others having partners, hugging, kissing and so on and you tell to yourself you should stay strong, not feel any envy, envy is only a weakness and you have to be over it... Yeah, but waging such battle with yourself practically every day is not an easy thing to handle and even when you are mentally strong, you can eventually question it... I often try to ask myself, what I would really want and the answer for that is nothing what reality suggests me to have, like all possesive things. I personally consider I have everything I need if it comes to material things. Well, love? I never experienced it, but I'm not sure, if that's something I seek for and even if I try, I always fail, so maybe it makes no sense in trying. There are times when I feel lonely, very, very lonely... At the same time I know I should not collapse, only keep going ahead and try to notice positive sides of reality, I really do. Even when it may sound ridiculous to enjoy even the smallest things, I am capable to do that. It really makes you happier than to just seek for more and more.
But yes, I am strong and I will certainly follow my ambitions. No matter how many times I will have to face emptiness and disappointment.
Sorry for that rant, I hope I will have no reason to write entries like that one anymore. I just needed to share it. Thank you for paying an attention.
I'm very sorry that I was so inactive lately, but yeah, my college duties, session exams coming soon... they keep me staying out of pc unfortunately ;/
But surely after the session exam period passes, I'll have plently of time to be here.
Have a good time!
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
Sta.sh
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oints:
First, I have to agree with what exile-chan wrote. Writing with you makes people feel that you're perfect in some ways. I was sure that this feeling you make is just because I don't know you well (by the internet it's hard anyway), but just now you showed little more. And in fact, this really reminded me myself. Fighting with envy when seeing pairs, wondering if there is anyone who I could consider as really friends etc. so I think I really can imagine how it feels, although you look much more stronger, from what you wrote in this post and in some replies, I understand that you can handle it the most of the time. (I wasn't able to.)
I was quite thinking about this all the time and I think I can tell you where problem is: it's not like there is something wrong with you, but it's with them. I can not find the right word in English, but it's that they're not going deep. The most of the people are not much reliable and not good friends. Really good friends and trustworthy people are much more rare I expected. And also, I learnt that good people can be found at really the most unexpected places. It sounds like some novel phrase, but I learnt that it's highly probable. But how to find them... I have no idea, it just happens.
And about the girls - I think that not being the most handsome guy is advantage, because many "cheap" girls try to get them, now you have natural filtering from these and in fact, it rises probability of finding the one which is really worth.
In fact both me and Wolfi are fighting with similar problem. She finds a friend and in time this "friend" fail her, last time because of boyfriend (who, by the way, tells her whom she can talk and whom not). And although Wolfi is girl herself, she says that getting along with girls is much harder...
So be careful whom you'll trust, many people wears masks...
I'm really glad, if you see me like that, but all that I want is just to be a good example. I want to help somehow, make others feel better rather than use DA as a relief for my own personal problems. So yeah, I like to eliminate them on my own ^^'
Yeah, I suppose so, such issues are not the ones to take me down easily. There surely are more important ones.
I must admit that I considered as the problem the fat I maybe expected too much. I should know that the society in college is well, not something you should have too big expectations of. Hardly possible you can find there any truly devoted friend. It's more like you can have some not bad talk from time to time, but nothing special in the end.
I guess I know who you refer to - your girlfriend, am I right? I mean you met her in rather unexpectable circumstances and she's became an important part of your life.
Oh, that's an interesting point of view. I suppose you are right - I'm not into any 'cheap' girl, as you named them, it meant these very naive, irresponsible ones. But the problem is, I do not even arouse attention of these 'not-cheap' girls. They also seem to prefer another kind of guys.
Uhh, tht's sick in my opinion
I know it very well.
Well, about expectations - that is also really important thing in my opinion. I can see it when Wolfi expects something from her friends, but they not always are able to fulfil the expectations. I do that, too. I don't know which way is right, but I try to not expect anything. Anything what I give I want to give just because of that person, nothing expecting back (hoping yes, expecting no). It's really hard and long-time work, but I couldn't find better answer to that :3.
Oh, you're reading me better then I thought XD. Yes, I'm talking about my gf, Wolfi. About finding her (well, she found me) when I abandoned hope for girlfriend and gave up trying to at least befriend with them.
(Well, I named them "cheap", because I couldn't find better translate, what I meant is also that they're not going deep.)
I see. Well, I understand that, too. This is really hard, because they often may not see who you really are (for example, I didn't see true nature of one of my classmates (girl) at elementary school for about two years!) and I can think of only one way how to do it naturally - from my experiences, trips (for more days) and camps tend to make people show (and see) true nature of other persons.
Not only sick, but it can (and I guess on 90% it will) develop into something much worse (experience from my dad :3). I don't know if she is exactly "ok" with that, but she choose him. She thinks that she is not attractive enough to get a boy/man who would be perfect for her and so she prefers to be with "bad guy" instead of risking to be alone...
And about trust and space, freedom - exactly my thoughts. By the way, about trust - I have one theory, that to trust partner, one first must trust himself/herself. I realized, that being jealous means not trusting that I'm good enough for her/him, so believe in yourself becomes even more important. Just my theory :3.
Well, I surely tried. Didn't know it may work in that way. But I didn't want to imply anything, I just liked to be useful with my attitude. I tried to let to know that not being too rich, not being too successful or not having anyone are not reasons to be upset, against to what is commonly considered.
Yes, that's what I mean. Sure, in ths way you can check out whom you can name as your true friend, however having too high expectations from anyone you know can drive you into a serious disappointment.
Yeah, I surely understand your attitude, it's a rightful one.
Hehe ^^' I see, I'm very glad you are happy now
However, I must confess to something. It may seem strange, but I'm not even sure what I really want. It happened recently that one girl confessed that she actually likes me after breaking with her bf. However, at that time, when she was free, she seemed not so tempting to me. I mean, when I could have her, it was already not the same thing and well, I wasn't really sure.. I know it sounds so thrivial and low, but somehow itwas hard for me to relinquish my singleness.
It seems we are all slaves of various drives, which steer our personalities, no matter how strong mentally we are
Yeah, I know what you mean, that's a good adjective. I meant I'm not into them, not the name you used.
And yes, they basiclly just seek for fulfillment of their needs.
Oh, what do you mean as experience from your dad? I don't suppose I heard you telling anything about that. Can you tell?
Mhm, I see. That's completely different attitude than the one I have. Somehow I like better to stay single than be with someone I'm not sure about. I really don't consider being with anyone not to be single as anything good. But maybe that's because I don't feel badly being single all in all.
Well yes, that's a good point. Envy at all is very destructive in anything. Esentially, it only leads to bad things instead of anything good. I do not believe you can achieve something good because of being jealous. These two things likely are opposite to each other.
I see
Thanks
Hm, that really is strange. It looks like you really need found out what you want and feel first, I guess...
Ok, yeah.
Hmm... I think I thought I did tell you, but now I think that you're right, I didn't. (Ah that memory :3.) Well, it's more things, but in general; he isn't good man and have - in my opinion - quite sick opinions about many things including rising children. He was bad father, he beat us a quite lot; me, my siblings and my mom. It was so bad as we sometimes see in TV, but it wasn't any good either. For example it was unpleasant feeling - quite close to fear - to go home from school or other activity for example. And what I was talking about mainly is, that he restricted my mom quite much. If he didn't like her friends (and he mostly didn't), he forbid meeting them and so (on the other hand, he never tried to "prison" us in home) - and that is what I meant, that this way it's going in my opinion in case of the girl. (And just by the way - he have his qualities, for example he was really skilful, he could make anything he just read about it, he loved nature and how to act in it, and when he was in good mood, it was quite nice to be with him.) And my parents are about ten year divorced by now.
And by the way, it looks like that girl now finally realized that, although I don't have enough info.
Yeah and that's good, because that attitude leads people to unhappy lives.
Yup.
No problem at all ^^
Yeah, I suppose so... Well, I suppose I love just one person and if I could be with her, it'd be better feeling for me than to win millions in the lottery. I'm sure I'd have no doubts about being with her, but I doubt it will ever happen.
Oh my, that's terrible ;/ I'm so sad to hear about this... Yeah, such relationship - when you are being restrained by your partner is the worst thing ever. No one had right to forbid your mom meeting with her friends. I'm not surprised they eventually got divorced, it'd be so unhealthy for your mom to live in such toxic relationship. ;/
Yep, I see, but still, it's not something that can explain that he was terrorizing you, on the opposite - it makes it even stranger, very surprising.
Well, I hope she gets smarter, it'll be better for her.
But now I'm quite confused about all that
Yeah, and strangely, it's like in some TV/newspaper stories - it's quite hard to leave this kind of relation although it may look absurd from 3nd person point of view. And I agree, freedom is really important.
Yeah, (I wasn't defending him)
Yes, I hope so, too.
*sigh*
it is very complicated indeed
yep, I always wondered why it is like that
possibly, if you love someone, it's easy for you to forgive them and accept the way they are, but I suppose the bigger role in that play money obviously; I mean, it's surely easier when you have additional money to disposal from someone else from your family and aprting with them would mean the end of that supply
but that's strange, if a divorced couple has children, the person who earns money is obliged to pay for their maintenance
;]
Y'know, before this journal, I used to think you were perfet in that way. Too perfect. "How the hell does he ignore such things? How can he even be giving out advices like that? Is he some sort of a saint?" I'm exaggerating right now, but you catch the drift. Now I feel that you're just as human as anyone else, with some inperfections, surely. That's not a bad thing, you know.
Sometimes, our weaknesses are also our strengths. It's good that you've let it all out.
About the factor of appearance and attractiveness. Handsome or not, would you rather have girls hanging around your neck just because they think you're pretty? You know what truly means a lot. Your personality. If these girls don't notice you, they are not worthy of you. You're just very different. That's all that means.
Well, I'm sure you know all of that. Just... Try not to worry too much about these things.
Generally I just like better to have optimistic attitude and not be overly worried or easy to be upset, but yes, there are times when everyone can collapse due to various circumstances. I suppose it was mostly exhaustion, I hardly slept during the last weeks.
Anyway, that issue is not current anymore ^^' And I will continue on being a strong person.
Well yes, you are right about that, that would not be honest at all and I would not like something like that... however that is not fully what I mean, more like, I'm not noticed at all. Not everyone pays an attention just on appearance superficially, I suppose.
But yeah, it's not something that makes me really sad, just may be biting at times, but no sort of a big deal.
Thank you for your comment.