Sorry, if it may sound disappointing and/or not pleasant to read, but I must share it, throw it out of myself, because it's seriously bothering me. I suppose you here are only ones I can honestly share my feelings with, I have no one else who remained.
Well, I must honestly admit I failed with my college... actually not in a meaning, as you probably assume, in terms of tests and grades, no. Most probably I will pass them all without bigger problems, it's not a major issue. The thing is that I do not feel I have anyone I would be able to call a friend. I made seemingly big number of friends since the beginning of it, but I'm not really sure, if I can call anyone in this way. Some may say they like me, but they will not even wait for me in certain situation, not offer me to go somewhere... I guess I'm more like a person to have some talk with not to feel bored, but not one with a bigger concern about. Additionally I saw my crush (I should more accurately say my ex-crush, as I do my best to forget about her) hugging with my classmate today. Yes, even when they both have partners respectfully. Terribly pleasant view. Seriously, I wouldn't wish anyone to see something like that.
Sometimes I wonder what other guys have that I do not, it doesn't seem anythning very special. Yet they seem to be more attractive. Yes, that surely sounds very impolite, but I would like any girl to think about me for at least a second...
Last year my late classmate, whom I considered as my best friend through all years of high school, stopped to keep any contact with me, because he met a girlfriend. Lucky him, good luck to them... 3 year friendship is not something that would seem to be so easy just to be thrown away, yet it really was.
Well, I actually always try to be kind and polite, also helpful in certain situations, but unfortunately I really can't see it's really appreciated.
I always keep repeating to myself to stay strong and I really am trying it, but at the same time I often question, if things I'm doing really make sense. I try telling to myself that social influence, the common style of living is really not something, which makes me obliged to follow it and determines whether I am happy or not considering I really can be happy ignoring it. However, it does not seem to be so easy in reality, when you have a connection to it every day. You see others having partners, hugging, kissing and so on and you tell to yourself you should stay strong, not feel any envy, envy is only a weakness and you have to be over it... Yeah, but waging such battle with yourself practically every day is not an easy thing to handle and even when you are mentally strong, you can eventually question it... I often try to ask myself, what I would really want and the answer for that is nothing what reality suggests me to have, like all possesive things. I personally consider I have everything I need if it comes to material things. Well, love? I never experienced it, but I'm not sure, if that's something I seek for and even if I try, I always fail, so maybe it makes no sense in trying. There are times when I feel lonely, very, very lonely... At the same time I know I should not collapse, only keep going ahead and try to notice positive sides of reality, I really do. Even when it may sound ridiculous to enjoy even the smallest things, I am capable to do that. It really makes you happier than to just seek for more and more.
But yes, I am strong and I will certainly follow my ambitions. No matter how many times I will have to face emptiness and disappointment.
Sorry for that rant, I hope I will have no reason to write entries like that one anymore. I just needed to share it. Thank you for paying an attention.
I'm very sorry that I was so inactive lately, but yeah, my college duties, session exams coming soon... they keep me staying out of pc unfortunately ;/
But surely after the session exam period passes, I'll have plently of time to be here.
Have a good time!